My Twinkie Apocalpse Story

 

Yeah yeah, this is everywhere today. Deal with it.

In case you were living completely in the dark and haven’t heard the news, Hostess, maker of Twinkies, is crocodile. DONE-dee folks. Doors are closing and production has stopped. The little cakes of golden goodness stacked in the semi trailer out on the interstate right now are the last Twinkies. EVER.

Upon hearing this I quickly realized that, to the best of my knowledge, my children had never had a Twinkie. And soon, the opportunity would pass. My children could very well be members of the first twinkie-less generation in many decades. How horrific!

I knew that I had a very important mission to complete this morning. I HAD to find my children some Twinkies. My poor deprived children should not have to suffer through a life completely devoid of Twinkies!! No soda. To cable. No tv in their rooms. I have no problem being a mean mom. I kind of enjoy it sometimes, truth be told. But, I have to draw the line somewhere. Come Hell or high water, I was getting my babies some Twinkies!!

I prepared myself for a long and arduous journey. I strategically planned my route. Grocery stores, dollar stores, gas stations, they were all fair game. I checked my purse for my knife. Try and take my kids Twinkies and I WILL CUT YOU. Totally kidding. I don’t think my pocket knife could cut warm butter. I *might* give you a dirty look, or even call you a name though.

After I felt mentally prepared for battle, I took a deep breath and entered the first grocery store. I tucked and rolled from one row of shelves to the next. Then dove behind the liquor for cover. I sprinted that last few yards to the snack cake section. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was completely SHOCKED by what I saw.

(And really? Um, that would have totally messed up my hair. I just strutted right over there, pausing briefly at examine the wine selection)

Anyway, back to the shocking moment. ****imagine suspense building music****

***more music***

****commercial break****

THE SHELF WAS FULL! Like completely stocked.

The problem? FOUR FREAKING TWENTY NINE A BOX.

Yeah, my kids were gonna have to manage a full and happy life without Twinkies.  Sorry kids.  Your momma is a cheap skate.

But, I DO love my children.  Very much.  So I stopped at Wal-mart as I made my way to the office.  I had a few other things to grab anyhow.  I didn’t bother being all covert or anything.  I even saw a few lovely ladies from church and told them they better stock up!  See how nice I am??  There were still several boxes on the shelf- and only $2.50.  Take THAT Mommy guilt!  Ha.

Now, this is where the story gets interesting.  You know my life doesn’t operate on a normal wavelength, right?

I am loaded down with my 50lb purse (really, it weighs more than each of my kids.  I don’t even know what is in there anymore.  Apples, hot wheels, cows, tractors… occasionally turkeys or two liters of soda.  Whatever.  I ALWAYS win at the purse game.)  My laptop bag with computer and like 8 books, some files, and other random junk on top of that, then, of course, my diet coke.  My phone starts ringing as I approach the door.  I somehow manage to get to it without dropping anything, only to see it is the office calling.  So, rather than politely answer, I yell out “I am here!  WHAT DO YOU WANT??”

Damn Twinkies.  I am 5min late for an appointment.  I drop half the stuff and run back out the door.  But I stop short as I climb into my poor battered minivan.  I had been contemplating stashing one of the two boxes of yumminess since in the store.  Now, I was rushing out the door to the appointment for which I was already late.  With NO breakfast.  It would be incredibly rude to allow my stomach to grumble and growl in the presence of clients.  RIGHT??

Before I go any further I need you to understand something.  I used to eat Twinkies.  A lot.  Like every day after school I would have Twinkies and a grape soda.  Or Cheetos and a grape soda.  Yeah, no wonder there is an obesity epidemic!  I stopped eating Twinkies long before I, erm, bulked up.  I, prior to this morning, had not had a Twinkie in what I would estimate to be around 20 years.

So, I threw open the van’s sliding door, digging frantically (I am late remember) for the right bag.  Upon finding it I tore the box open, sending cream filled cakes everywhere.  I grab one, hop into the driver’s seat and off I went.  I looked at it longingly, mouth-watering as I maneuvered out of our parking lot.  I held it oh so gingerly, being careful not to smash it and cause the precious filling to spill out as I fumbled to buckle my seatbelt while speeding toward my destination.  Finally, using my teeth I tore into the crinkly plastic wrapper.  It didn’t resist my demands and soon, the Twinkie was all mine.

I savored the first bite.  Chewing it slowly, carefully.  I let the flavors roll around my tongue, consume my mouth.  I took note of the textures.  The creamy sweet filling.  The… saw dust like, chemical tasting cake.  WHAT??  It was grainy and weird and squishy and GROSS!!  I immediately threw the rest of the Twinkie I fought so hard to find out the window.  I tried to force myself to swallow the rest of the awkward combination, a mix of sawdust and sweetened shaving cream plus some formaldehyde or something.  I couldn’t do it!  At the next stop sign I thrust my door open and spit that nastiness onto the pavement.  I sure hope some poor squirrel doesn’t lose his life in pursuit of THAT.  I was still doing a diet coke gargle when I pulled into my appointment.

Sorry Hostess.  I am not going to miss you after all.  I am, however, so very sorry for all of the families dealing with the losses caused by this closure.

 

Now, what on earth do I do with all those Twinkies??  Think I could sell ’em on eBay in a few years?  They last foreverrrrrrrrrr you know!

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nancy
    Nov 16, 2012 @ 18:51:13

    You are laughing but they are up to $17 a box on eBay!!

    Reply

    • Sara
      Nov 16, 2012 @ 23:26:12

      Hmm, I wonder if they will go up or down over the next week. I may hedge my bets and hold them for a bit.

      This may be the best ROI I have ever had!

      Reply

  2. Sherri Smith Mills
    Nov 16, 2012 @ 23:10:07

    uhmmm…Sara….I hate to tell you this after all you went through (for the sake of your children!) but your children HAVE had Twinkies!! That’s what Grandma’s are for!!! Lori brought a box out. I was also excited to try one in many years and well, I had about the same reaction as you. Why else do you think any were left for me to pawn off on your kids??? Honestly, you children were not too thrilled either. The box was in the cabinet for a very long time. The Big B’s finished them off!

    Reply

  3. Jean
    Nov 16, 2012 @ 23:11:47

    Send them over.

    Reply

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